“It’s Raining Cows Out Here, Man”

By now, you probably know that I have a thing for cows. I don’t know why I find them so endearing, or funny, or amazing, but I do. I love cow mythology. I love cow photos.

I especially love cow jokes.

My favorite cow joke, from my friend Tim (at right, in all his glory):

A man is awakened in the middle of the night by a phone call. “I can talk!” shouts the voice on the other end of the line. “How nice for you,” says the man. “It’s three o’clock in the morning, you jerk,” and slams down the receiver. Five minutes later, the phone rings again. “I can talk!” says the gleeful voice. “Seriously, I’m exhausted, I just want to sleep,” the man says. “Please don’t call back here again.” Ten minutes later, just long enough for the guy to fall back asleep, the phone rings again. “I can talk!!” the voice says insistently. “All right, that’s it. If you call again just to say, ‘I can talk,’ I’m calling the cops. Got it?” This time it’s the caller who hangs up. About twenty minutes later, the man’s phone rings. He steels himself for the encounter. “What?!” he demands. The voice on the other end is quiet, almost plaintive, with this simple explanation: “I’m a cow!”

So you can understand that I was especially pleased to read this article in today’s news:

When a 600-pound cow tumbles 200 feet off a cliff on to your minivan, you aren’t really thinking about auto insurance. At least Charles Everson Jr. wasn’t. “I’m just glad to be alive,” the 49-year-old chauffeur from Westland, Michigan, said from his hotel Tuesday in Manson, Washington. “It’s raining cows out here, man.” Everson and his wife Linda, 39, were in Washington celebrating their first wedding anniversary when the 1-year-old rodeo stock cow landed on the hood of their 2006 Buick Terraza.

The couple had just left a nearby church service and were traveling along Highway 150, near Rocky Point on Lake Chelan, about a mile east of Manson. “I saw something hit and heard a ‘Wham!’ It happened so fast,” Charles Everson said. “I actually thought it was a deer.” Miraculously, Everson kept driving. “All of the sudden I’m looking at it, and I tell my wife, ‘It’s a cow,’” he said. “I kept saying, ‘I don’t believe it.’ I must have said that 20 or 30 times.” Everson pulled over about a mile down the road. The minivan had extensive damage to the hood. “I wasn’t really thinking clearly and then I realized that I better pull over,” he said. Rescue crews took the couple to Lake Chelan Community Hospital for precautionary reasons. On Tuesday, Everson said he and his wife were fine. “It was just a matter of inches,” he said. Sgt. Mike Harris of the Chelan County Sheriff’s Office said Tuesday the animal, which had to be euthanized after the crash, was a Professional Bull Rider-registered cow. “It was bred for rodeo,” Harris said. “It was not your normal cow in a field.” A breeder had previously reported the cow missing, Harris said. Everson said the breeder was extremely apologetic. “He called me and said it had escaped from his ranch about a month ago. He really felt bad.” Now, the couple is trying to figure out a way to get back to the Detroit area. They had driven the Buick out west last week. “We came out here for relaxation, a quiet time,” Everson said while laughing. “You could say this doesn’t happen every day.”

Makes me wonder if Chris Stevens was somewhere nearby with an empty trebuchet:

The Inclusive Bible

I am pleased to announce that The Inclusive Bible: The First Egalitarian Translation

, my single-volume

non-sexist translation of the Bible with a new scholarly commentary, has been published by Sheed & Ward and is now available from Amazon.com.

It is a completely new translation of the Bible from the original Hebrew, Aramaic, and koiné Greek into richly poetic, non-sexist, and non-classist modern English.

If you’re interested in reading a few pages of the translation and commentary, here is a PDF (320 KB) of The Twelve, the “minor prophets” or Trei Asar.

To say I am proud of this accomplishment is an extraordinary understatement. I hope you enjoy it.

Queen of the Night

On the third of November, autumn finally came to central Florida. We’ve had a break in the great summer heat for a month or so, but not so great as to be able to dispense with air conditioning. Just enough so that the air conditioner is actually able to maintain the setting we choose, instead of fighting the heat and losing by several degrees all day long. I have actually begun to use the oven again, something that is unthinkable much of the summer.

When I lived in Maryland, my birthday in late October was pleasantly cool, and Halloween a week later was frequently cold enough that I could see my breath when I went out trick-or-treating. When I lived in Vermont, October 1 was generally peak leaf-peeping season, and Halloween was often very chilly indeed. Here in Florida, my birthday was warm and humid. And quite dull.

This morning the air was cool and dry, and I was able to open all the doors and windows and allow the house to breathe a bit. What joy!

It stayed in the mid-70s all day, and as I write this (at 9:30, the night before Daylight Saving Time ends), it’s down to 64 degrees.

More wonderful yet, the Night-blooming Jasmine suddenly came into bloom, and the fragrance is intoxicating. I just went out and plucked off a few stems so that Mom could enjoy it (she’s on oxygen therapy, which dulls her sense of smell a bit, but up close and personal, these blooms are so amazingly fragrant that they’re a tad overwhelming for me).

Cestrum nocturnum, also known as Night-blooming Cestrum, Lady of the Night, Night-blooming Jessamine, and Raat ki Rani (“princess of the night”) in Urdu and Hindi. Its aroma is sweet, heady, powerful. The flowers are widely used throughout South Asia for use in perfumes, medicinal preparations, and religious ceremonies.

“Jasmine” is not a particular plant. It’s a term given to many different plants with blossoms that are white, yellow, or pink, have a sweet fragrance, and live in warm climates. One garden guide writer described the various species of jasmine plants (there are some 200 different varieties) that he had planted in his backyard:

Then, I saw a can in the home center labeled “Night-blooming Jasmine” and, realizing I’d begun a collection, I took this baby home. I planted it near the lanai so it could be a lovely scent out there with the others. Scent in the day, scent at night. Ahhh. Two years later, I was hacking it back two or three times a year, to keep it from coming into the house. It is a gangly bush. This one is Cestrum nocturnum. Its flowers are not ones to grab the eye, as it is night-blooming and keeps them closed. They are small, pale yellow-green, but when a bush of them releases its fragrance at night, stand back. They are small tubes, and at dusk, they draw the sphinx moths who know a good thing when they smell it. After dark, we partake of what the moth enjoyed earlier, a powerful fragrance that smells like nothing else. It can be noticed over several backyards. In fact, one night when it was large and un-macheted, I had to leave the lanai, as my eyes started to burn. I suggest planting it farther away from the house, but I do recommend it. Guests are always impressed. Whack it back after it blooms. It will be baa–a–aack. Several times a year. A lotta bang for the buck.

While the Night-blooming Jasmine blooms several times a year, this is my favorite bloom of the year. I don’t know if it started blooming only this evening, or if it started a few nights ago but I couldn’t smell it with the house all sealed up. The cool, dry weather makes me comfortable, happy, energized.

The ancient Celts celebrated the beginning of November as the start of the Dark Half of the Year. For me, it’s the beginning of hope.